How to Cultivate Sustained Confidence
Individual confidence can get you so far; collective confidence can propel and sustain you.
This was the idea that inspired me to establish Collective Confidence, LLC. It emerged from my own experience, extensive research, and fascinating conversations with women and men at various stages of their life journeys. Countless friends and colleagues established some level of success on their own yet had a hunch that they weren’t living into their full potential. Each saw confidence as a critical factor in their success, and without exception, everyone wanted more of it.
When I asked how they cultivated their confidence levels, here’s what I heard:
Many were exercising that age-old advice, “Fake it ‘til you make it."
Some relied on impressing other people for validation.
Others practiced visualization and positive self-talk.
A few said they looked to a trusted circle, or tribe, for real feedback.
More than expected said their confidence ebbed and flowed based on social media engagement.
Somewhat shockingly, I sat in a women’s leadership conference just months ago and heard a well-established female entrepreneur say, “Confidence is the only thing you can fake.” Those words were the proverbial nails on a chalkboard to me. I wanted to shout, “NO, NO, NO!” Visualizing yourself achieving your ambitions is one thing, pretending you are someone you are not is another story. It is time to throw away the mask!
In doing research on the topic of confidence, I read a wonderful piece by Kate Woods, a South African Field Hockey player and Olympic athlete. She states, “Confidence in your own leadership skills is one thing, but it needs to be validated by others. Authentic confidence requires goodwill and 360-degree trust.” I kind of agree with her. I think we are on the path to sustained confidence when we align our values, strengths, and talents with others who not only love us for what we provide today, but for who we can become tomorrow. They see our greatness and amplify it.
We feel it when people are genuinely for us. I remember working with a female speaker years ago who said, “When I see you smiling and nodding at me from the audience, gold falls out of my mouth and I am so much more effective.” Confidence grows where there is room and nourishment. Sustained confidence grows in community.
Looking for non-gimmicky ways to cultivate sustained confidence? Give these a try:
1. Name and Claim
Name your values and claim your personal purpose. Share them with five people who love you and invite them to support you through caring conversations as you live them out.
2. Eschew Conventional Wisdom
One of my longest standing friends and a fellow status quo disrupter regularly challenges me to question conventional wisdom. Whether it’s around medical advice, nutrition, definitions of success, or the notion of work ethic, there are no sacred cows. Liberating, isn’t it? What you’ll find is that you build confidence in your decision making, not because it’s the status quo, but because you let yourself be curious, did the research, and made the best decision for you. Along the way you’ll find new tribe or community members which is definitely an added bonus!
3. Serve More, Help and Fix Less
Inspiration can be found anywhere. A few months ago, I found it through my 18-year old son. After 3 days at a college orientation camp, he sat down at the dinner table and, with light in his eyes and joy in his voice, shared what he learned from his camp facilitators. Interestingly, he taught me something about how to build confidence.
"When you help, you see life as weak. When you fix, you see life as broken. When you serve, you see life as whole. Fixing and helping may be the work of the ego, and service the work of the soul."
His learning came from a brilliant quote by Rachel Naomi Remen.
As I wrap up this post on cultivating sustained confidence, I'll ask you what I once asked myself: Do you help, fix or serve? What words do you use and how do others receive your offer? Do you build confidence or erode it?