Four Little Words of Life-Changing Advice
“Don’t should on yourself”
Over the years, I’ve received volumes of coaching and advice. At the end of the day, no advice has served me better than those four short words.
I first heard this phrase about 10 years ago during a development conference. In a conversation about what suppresses us and keeps us from claiming our authentic power, the facilitator challenged us to wipe the word “should” from our vocabulary. She said, “should is a dirty six-letter word” that makes us small, holds us back, and keeps us from being enough. I sat riveted to my seat, noticing my face starting to flush. How many times in the last few days had I thought to myself, or even uttered to someone else, “I should have [something]?” I quickly noticed that I wasn’t the only one in the room moved by this discussion. As we transitioned into small group debriefs, everyone had stories about their own “should challenges,” and none of them were pretty.
It’s an innocuous enough word, “should,” and yet it yields so much power. It plays to our tendency to look into the rearview mirror, analyzing and finding fault in our choices. Perhaps we do it in the spirit of learning, accountability, or even an apology. We think it’s the right response when we’ve realized a mistake or simply made a decision that didn’t turn out the way we or someone else wanted.
Should can also lead to unhealthy comparison. As a new business owner, I have to watch myself from comparing our success and position to that of others, or even the picture I’ve painted in my head about what should be. “I should already have a stable of x number of clients,” “I should have a multi-media communication strategy,” “I should be more compelling with my pitch,” etc. Learning something from the comparison can be constructive while getting stuck in it can leave you feeling inadequate.
I challenge you to reflect for a minute: How do you feel when you say, “I should have…?” For those of us who struggle with perfectionist tendencies, “should” is like venom.
Ever since I heard that sage advice, I’ve put it into practice. For months, I consciously worked to eliminate “should” from my vocabulary. I placed this image both in my office and on my refrigerator at home.
I shared my quest with my husband and asked for his help. Instead of “should’ing” on myself, I reflected on the why behind my decisions and the catalyst for my actions. I slowed down and gained something instructive, not just about the outcome but the steps I took that led to it. I owned my choices – as an executive, a wife, a mom – and learned from them. I saw making mistakes as part of my imperfect humanity. I didn’t like that at first, but it became liberating. I saw not yet being where I aspired to be as an opportunity for growth. Over time, I began making more thoughtful choices and being more proactive. Instead of thinking, “I should have,” I thought “I will.” I began looking forward at my life, rather than backward.
So many of us feel chained down by our own should stories. I often find myself in discussions, primarily with women, who wear them like a weighted blanket. When I share the “don’t should on yourself” advice, something clicks and the weight begins to lift. They hear it and they know it to be true.
I owned my choices – as an executive, a wife, a mom – and learned from them. I saw making mistakes as part of my imperfect humanity.
If you find yourself compelled to invest in “should” reform, here are a few tips:
1. Examine Why You Do It
Is it a subconscious habit? Is it the quick reply when you are faced with conflict? Is it the auto-pilot response when you experience disapproval? Does it show up in certain relationships?
Take some time to examine your patterns. Release any judgement and just observe. This is really important. Don’t beat yourself up when you wake up to what’s happening. Understanding why you do what you do is the first step to undoing it!
2. Create A Visual Queue
For me, the NO SHOULD sign made all the difference. I put it in the physical spaces where I found myself should’ing the most: my office and my kitchen. My kitchen? Yes, I used to should a lot about my cooking and choices I made as a working mom! We all have our circumstances and trigger environments. Isolate yours and then put your visual queue in plain sight. Along with being a source of encouragement, I found that my little sign prompted some fun and fascinating discussions!
3. Track and Celebrate
I like measurement, so I tracked – sometimes mentally and sometimes physically in my journal – my should’ing successes. Sometimes simply logging a victory mentally, in the moment, was enough. Other times, particularly when I was working through my high should-likely relationships, I wrote down my achievements. With each win, my confidence grew. Because I was focusing more on the future than the past, the quality of my decisions improved, too.
4. Pass It On
It’s simple advice, “don’t should on yourself.” When we share it with others who need it, we not only serve them, we also reinforce it for ourselves.
A good friend of mine recently said, “don’t look backward, you’re not going in that direction.” As I wrap up this post on should’s, I share that with you as a source of encouragement.
Think “I will,” not “I should!”